A Pocketful of Wishes.

Do you realize that after this weekend there are only 2 more weekends to shop before the big day?

Exactly 17 days until Christmas. Or Xmas. Whichever one you prefer.

I prefer the name: “family coming over talking louder than the next person and drinking too much of grandmother’s eggnog day”. In other words that would be abbreviated ‘FCOTLTNPDTMGED’.

If I said THAT out loud you’d think I was having a stroke.

But it’s true; my family is a loud and boisterous bunch. But I love them just the same. They’re from the south, but most of them migrated to the north during the sixties. That’s how I came to be raised in N.Y.C.

Why’d I come back to the south, obviously not my choice, but its home.

Anywho, this list is just in time for the holidays. I was going to send it to the ‘big guy’ in the North Pole, but I think he’s kind of busy. So I’d let you fellow bloggers read it instead.

#1. I wish to stick to my New Year’s resolution this year. I plan to eat healthy and exercise on a regular basis. Until I had children, my idea of exercise was snoring in time to the music.

#2. I wish to fulfill a wish at the ‘Make A Wish’ foundation. I’ve been donating to this charity since 2004 and it’s a wonderful idea. I think it’s cool to make a child smile.

#3. I wish to learn how to swim. I would say I’m sort of a hydrophobic but I think it’s the amount of water that’s intimidating. Of course, I’ll begin lessons in the summer when the temp is much warmer, so I have essentially six months to make up my mind if I want to learn how to drown properly.

#4. I wish that I could sign a paper to take of leave of absence from housework. That request would be put in one day before our household’s annual ‘closet cleaning day’.

#5. I wish that potty training came automatically to children. Especially since I am potty training ‘the princess’ right now. I’m tired of stumbling onto new “surprises” every time I dust a new corner of the house that I‘ve ignored for several months.

#6. I wish that when I am laying snuggly in bed in the morning, that someone would get up and use the bathroom for me. I hate a cold toilet seat on the warm buttocks in the morning.

#7. I wish I could start my Junior High years all over again. This time I would have the option to start one subject, any subject of my choice, for one WHOLE school year. That first subject would be lunch.

#8. I wish I could be a vegetarian. I think killing animals is murder. Tasty murder.

#9. I wish I could change positions with my ob-gyn when he says this will only hurt for a moment. That way he’d know how it really feels to be in my place when someone is sticking something in his little hole ‘down there’.

#10. I wish everyone who reads this blog has had a wonderful weekend. I hope the holiday spirit has kicked into full gear ‘cause we still have a full 17 days of crowded shopping malls, people pushing you, crowded subways, people stepping on your feet, kids whining that they want to go home, store clerks who sell you broken merchandise, walking 20 blocks in blistery weather, and planning that get-together for relatives that only come to your house when there is food involved.

Don’t you just love the Holidays?

I got a letter!!!

Here’s a shout out to 'The Mind of a Mom' who gave me a letter. She is playing an online game and I asked to participate. I got the letter ‘G’ and I’m suppose to write 10 things about my life using the letter ‘G’.

Here it goes! Enjoy!

Girls: I birthed five of them. Ages 16, 13, 11, 6, and 2. There is never a dull moment with them around. They all have thick hair which always manages to swallow the comb whenever I try to wrestle with it.

Goldfish: I had sixteen of them in the last 3 years. I adore goldfish, especially when they get big and fat and they seem to ask you for their food in the morning. If I could afford a bigger aquarium I’d buy more. However, my aquarium is empty now. They never want to stay with me. I guess they like goldfish heaven so much that can’t wait to get there soon as I bring them to my house.

Good: I like good things. Good people, food, politics, co-workers, days, music, furniture, husbands, movies, books, children, pets (if I had any) and a good cup of tea. I drink two cups of green tea a day.

Google: This search engine is a life saver! If it wasn’t for school I think I would have taken out an ad looking for “a good friend to share a few laughs with”. But I found you cool guys and I am thoroughly enjoying the company. With Google set as my homepage I can search, and search, and search, and still never find anything. But that’s okay, I found some cool people to hang out with over the net.

Grades: Since I am a student I guess I should include this in my list. However, my grades aren’t that important. It’s my children who are in school who make the good grades (I do okay). They’re all on the honor roll! (They have inherited that from MY side of the family)!!

Gray: I hate the color gray!!! I wear grey sweats at home all the time. I have a gray koala bear that sleeps with me when the hubby is in the doghouse. I have three gray hairs in the front of my hairline. I hate the color gray!

Grapes: Be they purple, red, green, or seedless I love ‘em. They are one of the first fruits that I ate when I first regained my ability to speak after falling out of the top bunk as a child. I wouldn’t eat or talk for three days after I fell. (Hmmmmm… I remember my mom having a lot more gray hairs after that particular episode as well).

Green: I love the color green. My bedroom has green carpet. I also have a green momma mini van. I sometimes lie in the green grass and enjoy the aroma (my allergies however hate me for that). I love St. Patty’s day because of all the green. I love when my children wear green clothes. The only time that I don’t like green is when it’s the shade of one of my critters face and they want to ‘show-off’ what they ate for dinner the night before.

Grey’s Anatomy: It’s my favorite T.V show! I can’t get enough of it. I guess it helps to be in the right field of study huh? Anyway, I will buy the complete set on DVD one day, and cozy up with the gray koala and a cup of green tea.

Groceries: They are in abundance at my house. If we are down to one gallon of milk the critters start acting like a great biblical famine is about to hit. However, I do enjoy a good 18 mile trip to the grocery store. I love shopping for food and being greeted by a door greeter who frowns and points me to an empty cart only to discover that its someone else’s cart with their child still in it! I love pinching the melons and thumping the tomatoes to see if they are ripe. I love seeing the egg cartons, and when I open them I love watching the slimy yolk drip from the broken shell and onto my new shoes. I love seeing spills in the isles and the slovenly maintenance crew step over the mess. But my biggest fantasy is to go shopping, filling up two or three carts, and a rich philanthropist is right behind me and offers to pay for my grocery bill.

Just the groceries. The other stuff I can handle. I think.

Life's Little Distractions

I’m nervous.

Justifiable so. I’ve got class tomorrow.

Just a CPR recertification class that I have to take in order to complete my nursing program. I just never know what will happen when I go to these classes because it’s with people you never met.

You’ve got to wonder what kind of people take these CPR classes and are certified to save someone’s life. I know I’m ‘sane’ (if but a little weird) but have you ever wondered about the other individuals?

In these “just take a day to learn how to save someone’s life classes” you meet new people. You stand around looking uncomfortable. You look down at your shoes and wonder do you have a boogie hanging from your nose.

When class is getting ready to end, you finally have enough courage to ask a question and the “teach” looks at you, swivels her head and stares blankly at you as if you asked her does she have a vajayjay.

This CPR class that I’m taking is at the local hospital. It’s well worth taking because I want to finish school and then figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Years before I went to my first CPR & First Aid class. My kids were (and still do) put strange things up their noses, in their mouths and ears; so I had to learn how to save them. (Didn’t work, I still visit the ER about every two months). The staff is very friendly there; they know me and the 7 critters by name now.

My first class had six women and two males. I’ll call them Dim and Dan. The women for the most part got along, but the two males were like night and day.

Dim was the most obnoxious person I ever met. Slimy as all outdoors, and even hit on our white haired 'teach'. She wasn’t buying. He kept trying and throughout class kept making smacking noises like he wanted to pucker up and kiss her. However he was groomed well, had on nice after shave, wore an earring (a diamond), had great teeth and a beautiful smile, but was yucky! He really thought he was a subway value meal with all the fixings. I knew better. I for one thought he was a pickle.

Dan however was the opposite. Nice but sloppy. He pants hung off of his butt (NOT by choice either), and he couldn’t bend over without showing us both of his butt cheeks. Seriously, dude. You could afford a fifty dollar class but no belt!?!

We girls got along, and the 'teach' tried to make it a pleasant morning that strecthed into the afternoon class, but failed miserably. Whenever we got stuck on something or asked a simple question she’d take a swig from her water bottle. (Dim later discovered that it was vodka when she went to go tinkle and he tried to take a swig. What a prick!)

Hmmm…that might explain the blank stares oozing from her flushed face.

Anywho, Dim and Dan didn’t and wouldn’t get along. Big babies! No surprise there. Dim even tried to instruct the teacher. What finally broke the straw on the camels back was when Dim tried to show Dan how to properly resuscitate this curly haired, rightly proportioned female dummy. Now mind you we all had our own plastic mouth barriers to put in our dummies piehole so that we could practice resuscitation without swapping germs.

This fool (Dim) grabbed the dummy, and without even switching the mouthpiece began KISSING the dummy! I mean mouth to mouth, tongue all over with slurping noises KISSING.

I think it finally woke the teach because she slurred ever so slightly: “What the HELL are you doing”?

Dan backs up from the dummy, smirks at the 'teach' and exclaims: “I had to give her a reason to live”!

3 minutes later Dan leaves cussing under his breath and never takes the test, and we ‘girls’ had to endure Dim for the next 50 minutes.

Needless to say, I received my CPR card from the American Heart Association after scoring a 90% on the test.

Talk about distracted. I think I’m scarred for life.

CODE NAME: Momma. MISSION: Strap those kids in. It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Did I ever mention that I have seven kids? No?!? Um okay. Whatever.

It’s really nothing to it these days. Feed ‘em, bathe ‘em, love ‘em, send them to bed, and be done with it.

Nah, all kidding aside I enjoy each and every one of those little critters that have misshapen my vajayjay 7 times. Yes, 7 natural births people!

Anywho, the girls rule in my house. Really. I grunted out five girls and two big headed boys. Now if you count my hubby and then me the girls outweigh the boys 2:1. (That’s a ratio. If it is not correct shoot me, cause math sucks).

Their ages and *names I’ll provide. Really. Believe me if anyone tries to track them down to take them they’ll return them in 22 seconds flat! No kidding! My kids are rough and tumble down to earth countree! The mountain air will do that to ya!

Well lets see: There is Tia 16 “the actress/pop princess”, Theo 14 “the wiseman”, Tiana 13 “the technician”, Tisha 11 “the instigator” , Taj 8 “Mr. Miyagi”, Tamara 6 “the trouble-maker”, and Trinity “the princess” is 2 years old. I know it’s a big name for a little girl, but let’s face it; babies are little people with big demands. Really.

I am literally the referee, teacher, disciplinarian, chef, dishwasher, arbitrator, entertainer, news caster, weather woman, laundress, seamstress, problem solver, remote-control handler, chauffer, penny-pincher, usher, shopper, story reader, storyteller, doctor, nurse, counselor, and the comforter. My hubby works two jobs to support us. He got off easy. Stupid males.

Well, that about sums up my life in a nutshell. I told my husband if we were to ever have anymore children we’d have to move into a shoe cause I’d literally be the little old woman who wouldn’t know what to do. (FYI: the momma factory IS closed).

I never knew that I’d be a mother of such a tribe. Literally. I grew up in New York City (Brooklyn), and I’d see so many mother’s on the east side struggling with their children and being so rough with them and looking so tired. I vowed I’d never be one of those women. Talk about putting your foot in your mouth. Yes I’ve eaten my share of shoes. No really. My Nikes are missing.

Anywho, just a shout out to you fellow bloggers. Thanks for all of your comments. Keep ‘em coming. I am so bored and I need an adult to talk to.

Well, I am off to settle another argument. Trouble-maker and Mr. Miyagi are at it again. No really.

* All the names have been changed cause if anyone attempts to take my critters I'll drop kick them in a heartbeat. Never mind that I don't know Karate, I know Karazy!!!

Three Sisters

I heard this joke once and I thought anyone reading might enjoy it.

There was once three sisters who lived together. The youngest was eighty-two, the middle sister was ninety and the oldest was ninety-eight. One day the oldest sister ran a tub of water. She put one foot in the water, started thinking and then hollered downstairs to her sisters "Am I getting in the tub or out of the tub?"

The middle sister started up the stairs to help the older sister. While going up the stairs she started thinking. Yelling to the younger sister downstairs "Was I going up the stairs or was I coming down?"

The baby sister sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee said, "I guess I'll have to go upstairs and help you'll out. I sure do hope I never get so forgetful, knock on wood!"

She knocked on the table, jumped up from her seat, and hollered upstairs to her two sisters "I'll be right there soon as I see who's at the door!"

~by anonymous~