Life's Little Distractions

I’m nervous.

Justifiable so. I’ve got class tomorrow.

Just a CPR recertification class that I have to take in order to complete my nursing program. I just never know what will happen when I go to these classes because it’s with people you never met.

You’ve got to wonder what kind of people take these CPR classes and are certified to save someone’s life. I know I’m ‘sane’ (if but a little weird) but have you ever wondered about the other individuals?

In these “just take a day to learn how to save someone’s life classes” you meet new people. You stand around looking uncomfortable. You look down at your shoes and wonder do you have a boogie hanging from your nose.

When class is getting ready to end, you finally have enough courage to ask a question and the “teach” looks at you, swivels her head and stares blankly at you as if you asked her does she have a vajayjay.

This CPR class that I’m taking is at the local hospital. It’s well worth taking because I want to finish school and then figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Years before I went to my first CPR & First Aid class. My kids were (and still do) put strange things up their noses, in their mouths and ears; so I had to learn how to save them. (Didn’t work, I still visit the ER about every two months). The staff is very friendly there; they know me and the 7 critters by name now.

My first class had six women and two males. I’ll call them Dim and Dan. The women for the most part got along, but the two males were like night and day.

Dim was the most obnoxious person I ever met. Slimy as all outdoors, and even hit on our white haired 'teach'. She wasn’t buying. He kept trying and throughout class kept making smacking noises like he wanted to pucker up and kiss her. However he was groomed well, had on nice after shave, wore an earring (a diamond), had great teeth and a beautiful smile, but was yucky! He really thought he was a subway value meal with all the fixings. I knew better. I for one thought he was a pickle.

Dan however was the opposite. Nice but sloppy. He pants hung off of his butt (NOT by choice either), and he couldn’t bend over without showing us both of his butt cheeks. Seriously, dude. You could afford a fifty dollar class but no belt!?!

We girls got along, and the 'teach' tried to make it a pleasant morning that strecthed into the afternoon class, but failed miserably. Whenever we got stuck on something or asked a simple question she’d take a swig from her water bottle. (Dim later discovered that it was vodka when she went to go tinkle and he tried to take a swig. What a prick!)

Hmmm…that might explain the blank stares oozing from her flushed face.

Anywho, Dim and Dan didn’t and wouldn’t get along. Big babies! No surprise there. Dim even tried to instruct the teacher. What finally broke the straw on the camels back was when Dim tried to show Dan how to properly resuscitate this curly haired, rightly proportioned female dummy. Now mind you we all had our own plastic mouth barriers to put in our dummies piehole so that we could practice resuscitation without swapping germs.

This fool (Dim) grabbed the dummy, and without even switching the mouthpiece began KISSING the dummy! I mean mouth to mouth, tongue all over with slurping noises KISSING.

I think it finally woke the teach because she slurred ever so slightly: “What the HELL are you doing”?

Dan backs up from the dummy, smirks at the 'teach' and exclaims: “I had to give her a reason to live”!

3 minutes later Dan leaves cussing under his breath and never takes the test, and we ‘girls’ had to endure Dim for the next 50 minutes.

Needless to say, I received my CPR card from the American Heart Association after scoring a 90% on the test.

Talk about distracted. I think I’m scarred for life.