Thursday, March 12, 2009

A Woman's Week At The Gym


I've told you all about my quest to lose weight. I've joined Sparkpeople in early December 2008 and have made some pretty nifty friends. One in particular whose name is Sparkle1908.

Spark gives us these numbers at the end of our names as if to identify us. Like for example; my sign-in name is BIBI071 on Sparkpeople. Being that I am not born in '71 I don't know how they came up with that number.

Antyways.

Here is her recent experience at the gym. I fell on the floor laughing. I hope you do to!! :-D

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________


MONDAY:


Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!


Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________

TUESDAY:


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.

_______________________________


THURSDAY:


Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.


Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny lady to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. _______________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that cow Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


________________________________


SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little demon) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

20 comments:

carma said...

OMG - this is a hoot!! Belinda sounds very very scary. I can see where you would have wanted to hide in the bathroom. Stay away you buff blonde beauty!!!!
carma

*Akilah Sakai* said...

There is no way I will read anything that funny in the coming weeks. No way! Haaaaaa!!

Tina said...

Oh that was hilarious. Thanks for sharing that!

BIBI said...

Doesn't she Carma? She seemed very pleasant in the beginning but ultimately an annoyance in the end.

BIBI said...

When I posted this Akilah, I couldn't help but think of you and that Treadmill. Hahahaha!!
By the way how's it coming? Not tired of it already are you?!?

BIBI said...

You are so welcome Tina! I am glad that you liked it. :)

Rachel said...

And to think I was considering joining a gym!!!

PunkyBean said...

Awesome!!!! I'm scared of Belinda! She can't find me, right?

BIBI said...

Hello Rachel. Thanks for your comment.
Yeah, exercising at home is much more fun. :)

BIBI said...

Be very afraid PunkyBean. Very afraid! Hahaha!
Actually just don't go to the gym where she is at. :)

Mr. Bill said...

I did something like this around 25 years ago. It was a fitness group sponsored by the government. And I got to travel the world working out in exotic places.

Parris Island, S.C. was my favorite. :)

Christine said...

That's a funny gym story...guess it's not her thing! Unlike the diamonds. Haha.

BIBI said...

WOW! Paris Island sounds like a dream compared to this woman's week at the gym!
Thanks for sharing Mr. Bill!

BIBI said...

Yes Christine, diamonds ARE a girl's best friend! LOL!

Thanks for the comment!

Stone said...

LOL :-)

I'm sorry BIBI that I haven't been able yet to accept that award...I haven't been online much lately...:)
Sorry about that...

BTW...can I recommend YOGA...it's great, seriously...it makes me train muscles that I didn't know existed in the first place :-)

GEMMERZZ said...

Hahahaha! I remember feeling that the first time I started training. I'll have to post my full story some time soon. :)

BIBI said...

Thanks Stone for the recommendation. I've tried Yoga and I thoroughly enjoy it. However; I get so easily bored that after a week of doing the same routine I have to jump to something new.

Don't worry about the award. i understand. Just glad to see that you are back. Have a good week!

BIBI said...

Hey Gemmerzz! I know exactly how you feel. LOL!

*Akilah Sakai* said...

"By the way how's it coming? Not tired of it already are you?!?" ~BIBI

Yup! I've resorted to the local park for fresh air and scenery. My thighs were burning! LOL! They never burned on the treadmill so I know I am getting a better workout.

BIBI said...

Good for you girl!
*BIBI*