Sunday, December 14, 2008

A Chili Cook-Off Story

In Texas they have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

** (Frank is Judge # 3)**


Judge # 1 – A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 – Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 – (Frank)—Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Judge # 1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 – Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 – Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Judge # 1 – Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 – A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 – Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.


Judge # 1 – Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 – Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 – I felt something scrapping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT… just like the nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Judge # 1 – Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 – Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 – My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Judge # 1 – Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 – The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 – My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Judge # 1 – A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 – Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. ** I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 – You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing its too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Judge # 1 – The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 – This final entry is good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 – No Report…

I hope you all enjoyed this story from my sister-in-law! she loves sharing funny stories like this one. I know I'm still holding my sides together from laughing so hard.


bernthis said...

Where did she find this? All day I've been on blogs where people have posted hilarious videos and now this. I live in L.A., shouldn't I be a little more hip to what's out there? "shouldn't" being the key word here.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Okay, I think I got a little heartburn just from reading that.

Chris said...

Hilarious! :)

Anonymous said...


I've never been to Texas and I don't like chili all that much, but this was hillarious!!!

Thank you for your compliment about my actually made my day, which has been pretty crappy.

I like your blog too! If I read it right, you have 7 kids!? Woah, you must be a busy lady! How do you have time to blog lol?

BIBI said...

Thank you all for your comments.

Akilah, I hope you get rid of the heartburn. ;)

bernthis, hey maybe you want to come to VA. Maybe.;)

Cyndi, I take one day at a time and sit down faithfully to talk to my boyfriend, Bernie my computer.

Chris, I'm glad to have made you laugh.

Christine said...

funny chili story, could even be true!

BIBI said...

I have the feeling that if this is true I feel so sorry for 'Frank'.
:0) LOL!

Mr. Bill said...

Texas is awfully funny about thier chili. And BBQ. This COULD be a true story!

I've seen divorces because a hubby couldn't make good chili or BBQ.

BIBI said...

Welcome back Mr. Bill! I'm so glad to see you!